There’s something so unimaginably strange about being an adult. You have responsibility not only to yourself but to society at large. I didn’t ask for that kind of pressure. Everything about society becomes your problem too, somehow, whether it is the train running late or someone’s car breaking down on the highway – a family member dying. The worst part is that you have to contribute to be allowed to exist in it. Everyday I try to find my way back to when this wasn’t the case, instead of filling the void in my head with more stuff that I don’t care about. When I’m bored I feel like a criminal…

I care about things, small things. I don’t care for the future, though, it’s not that I don’t believe in it, there’s much to be optimistic about and I’m sure things will turn out all right. It’s just that adults ‘only’ think about the future, a happier future when all the shit they’ve gone through will be worth it. It doesn’t sit right with me. I want to be happy now and I want to keep marveling at things I didn’t know before. Perhaps it’s society’s way to get me off my ass and do something?

I’ve always done what’s best for me, whether I get fired or yelled at, it doesn’t matter. I trust that something good will come of it if I stay honest. The problem is, I don’t know what I am just yet. Those discoveries happen when you are alone and you have to figure everything out on your own. It’s a hassle, when you think about it.

Everything you do must be a means to an end, montised or a stepping stone. Even videogames feels like a chore; you gotta finish them, finish reading that book – accomplish something… What’s wrong with just having fun? How do I detach myself as an adult? It happens sometimes but not for long, I’m painfully aware about the present, the past and to a lesser extent the future. I can’t even enjoy the present because I have to stop and confirm that I’m having fun. Why do I need to do that? Whose validation am I after? Why do I have to make that conclusion?

If I look back at all the fun times I’ve had then I know the child is truly dead.