Chilly Night Poem – Query

In the last story I made a lot of changes from the original to make sure it made sense, but now I’m curious, which one do you prefer? The last one, or, this one:

Look through the midnight winter

and the frost beyond your view.

Raise your hand in enjoyment,

we’ll have another victim soon.

 

Light the candle on the windshield,

show them we are home.

The gates are open

and we’ll greet them with warmth.

 

Their steps echo hollow in this empty house.

Nowhere to go, might as well stay the night.

 

They search the house, to find it abandoned.

Nothing have lived here, for centuries untold.

 

They don’t believe in ghost and creatures of the night.

Find the place comfortable enough,

it beats the air this chilly night.

 

We watch them sleep sweetly together on a makeshift bed.

The masters bedroom is upstairs,

even mortals have a sense to leave it alone,

even under threat.

 

They sleep through the night, everything was fine.

But as the hands of wakening,

they found something not right.

The healthy colour which normal humans shine,

was absent on her mate, his eyes cold as night.

Her scream echoed in the dusty halls.

She awoke the master.

Now she could never leave,

her mate her soul had been.


This version doesn’t rhyme as well and is written in the perspective of someone/something  observing the couple. I’m asking because I kinda like both.

2 Comments on “Chilly Night Poem – Query

    • Thank you! Yeah, the recent one is a bit incomprehensible, imagine it being the first draft and the last one being the edited end result. Makes me feel great that you liked both, though 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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